So it’s now been about two weeks since we broke up, I took full advantage of getting seriously drunk this weekend, I did get chatted up by so many guys, but am so not ready for that right now. My ex is the kind of person who doesn’t know how to be on his own, so he probably has a few girls lined up, good for him, I’ll just have to deal with that. When I’m ready, I’ll be ready. I received so many texts from him on Saturday night begging for me to come over but I didn’t, t would have been a stupid idea we would have both regretted in the morning. We have been texting and stuff, but since yesterday I decided it was time to stop, it’s only making it worse, and is fucking with my head. Now I just need to focus on me, and mending my broken heart. My anxiety is through the roof about him being with other girls and it is torturing me day and night, but I just need to accept that that is going to happen no matter how hard it is. it’s so hard to think about something else that isn’t him but I’m sure it won’t be like that forever. I just wish I was over him already, but got a long road to recovery..
Depressed
BREAKING UP
So, I have recently broken up with my boyfriend and am pretty gutted about it. Lucky for me, it was an amicable break up, it just wasn’t working anymore, and was something that we both wanted. Part of me is trying to convince myself that it isn’t what I wanted now that it has happened, but before shit hit the fan I know in my heart of hearts that I didn’t want to be with him anymore. I thought I would take this opportunity to write about my voyage back to singledom, with maybe a helping hand or a bit of advice to anyone who is going through the same kind of thing.
The initial break up was really hard, it probably would have been so much easier if he had done something wrong and I hated him, but unfortunately it just didn’t end like that, I think it made it harder. It’s been almost a week now since we had the chat about our options, and at first I thought I wasn’t going to survive on my own without him, but yesterday reality hit me, I was fine before him, so I’ll be fine now. It’s going to horrible as I have spent the last two years always having someone by my side, but with time I guess I’ll learn to get by on my own. I’m all cried out and sitting around feeling sorry for myself hasn’t helped, but this was the right thing to do, for the sake of both of our happiness.
I kept his number in my phone and we spoke a few times from our break up on Sunday till Thursday, I had to collect my stuff and it was really difficult trying not to talk to him, because for the last two years we have spoken all day every day. but now I’ve picked up everything that is mine, I have deleted it, for my own sake, I have the urge to text him every half hour or so, but now with no number I can’t follow through no matter how much I want to.
The Meet: I was so anxious I had be anticipating this moment all week, the build-up almost sent me over the edge knowing I had to see him again for one last time (well we both share a God Child so, last time for now anyway) I hadn’t eaten or slept since Sunday as my anxiety for this one moment was through the roof, it was unbearable, I had been inconsolable all day, but on my way to meet him I fixed up, held my head high, and thought to myself ‘be strong, he already knows how broken you are, don’t make it worse, don’t let the last time you see a person you once loved be a weak moment in your life, so be sad it’s over, be happy it happened’ It was a weird thing to think, but It worked, I went in we had a cuddle, one last cuddle, he cried in my arms, I reassured him everything will be okay, and what we are feeling right now is only temporary, because really it is, it won’t last forever, there will be an end to it, and that’s the only thing that keeps me going. It made me sad to see how upset he was, but I knew how he felt I felt like that on the inside, even though I did not show it. We didn’t talk about the situation, just reassurance, then I picked up my shit, and left, and I guess that was that.
Even though I still feel pretty shit, I feel a bit better, I’ve had my closure, and now I need to move on in my life, I am free, he is free, we can both be happy once more. I will miss him, god I will miss him, but sometimes things aren’t meant to be, and this was just one of them, sometimes life falls apart so better things can fall into place.
Love and Kisses
DESTINED TO BE UNHAPPY
Sometimes I feel like my whole life is a lie, I have this front that I’m this happy-go-lucky kind of girl that doesn’t give a fuck, when inside I am dying. Every day is a constant battle for happiness. I think I convince myself that I happy way more than I actually am. It’s like my mind doesn’t want me to be happy, it dwells on the past, or anxious about the future, I find it so hard to live in the now. I have recently been trying a spiritual enlightenment book to free my mind of obsessive thinking, but it doesn’t seem to want to break the barrier, and it’s my own fault it can’t be broken. I feel like I’m trapped in my own mind and there is no escape. I drown in my own thoughts, it suffocates me on a daily basis. Do you know how hard it is to live your life when you feel like you’re being suffocated? I know my friends and family try to help, but the problem is all in my head, it’s something I need to do, alone. But I’m just sick of fighting it on my own, it’s a never ending battle, and I’m exhausted. I’m sick of being drained from my own thoughts, I’m sick of feeling sorry for myself, I’m sick of thinking everyone is out to get me, and I’m sick of feeling like I can’t accomplish anything. Maybe I’m not strong enough to fight, I just worry for my future, what if I can’t do it anymore? The day I give up, is the day my mind completely takes over and I just can’t allow that. I’ve been there, it’s a dark place I never want to go back too. Perhaps that’s where I belong. I thought arguing with a friend was hard, nowhere near as hard as fighting with your own mind. Maybe I was destined to be unhappy.
Love and Kisses
BIPOLAR LOVE
I know it’s hard to keep up with how I’m feeling on here, one minute I’m writing about how much I love life, and positive vibes and the nest minute I’m writing about how much I hate life and how borderline suicidal I am. Don’t worry if you’re confused, imagine how I feel. I suppose my life has always been a bit all over the place. For clarification, right now I’m the happiest I’ve been in a while, I’ve started a new job, I’ve been going out more, my cats become more affectionate, my friends aren’t winding me up, and my boyfriend and I are so in love. What have I got to complain about? Actually, that’s a stupid question, even though I am happy there is always something to complain about, like right now for example, what is this rain about? It’s May, it should be getting warmer and sunnier, but instead I’m walking around like a drowned rat who forgot her umbrella.
But not even the rain can ruin my day, because overall life is good right now. It seems appropriate to start gushing about my wonderful boyfriend now, so here it goes.. It’s strange what a difference a few weeks makes to a relationship. It feels like everything has changed, and this time for the better. I feel as if I am finally being put first, which is all I ever wanted, to be someone’s number one, I feel bad sometimes because it’s actually not his fault that I seem to need so much attention, I supposed that’s how I’ve always been, having middle child syndrome, being the ‘not so good-looking’ friend and other shit has probably just made me feel like all that attention was what I needed, I just hope I didn’t put too much pressure on him. Obviously at the same time, he needed to make that step of putting me first for me to realise what it was that I wanted, feeling second best was getting me down. I do hope it continues as it has taken so much pressure of our relationship. Sometimes I wish him and I could just run away together and never come back, to go on an adventure and be truly free. He doesn’t even have to be with me, just the thought of him drives me insane. I love that we just lay in bed, me wrapped up in his arms, and we don’t even have to speak, because in that moment I am completely and utterly consumed by my love for him. They say love is all consuming, and I now I understand what that truly means. It’s not something that can be forced, it’s one of those things that when you know, you know, and I know that I don’t know where on earth I would be without him, and to be honest, I wouldn’t want to be anywhere on this earth without him, even if he does have monster boogies. Even at this moment as I think about him whist I type, my heart feels like it’s doing flips in my chest, I mean is that normal, to still be feeling like I have a teenage crush on him even after we’ve been going out to what’s coming up to be a year and a half? I hope one day he realises how truly amazing he is, because he is the best thing that has ever happened to me, and I pray, I sometimes even wish, that it’ll be this way forever, because I would find him in any lifetime..
Love and Kisses
BABY BLUES
So last night my best friend gave birth to a beautiful baby girl, she went into labour early afternoon, and I sat around all day waiting for that call to say she was finally born. Unlucky for me having work this morning, so I stayed up till about half 12, I was tired and I had to sleep, trust me to get a call at 12:40 to say the baby had arrived, I literally missed the news by 10 minutes, I was sound asleep by this point. But what a wonderful message to wake up to, a message from your best friend saying that the baby was here and another from her boyfriend informing me that he is officially a dad. Such an exciting thing to happen for them, I am so proud of her, and I’m wishing her the best of luck for motherhood, she will be a great mum I can just feel it. I’m ecstatic that they are now a happy little family, and the baby is so beautiful and delicate, every time I see a picture of her, I just want to scoop her up and eat her, from what I’ve seen she looks like her mother, wish is fortunate. I can’t wait to visit her and give her the biggest cuddle.
It’s just annoying because, I just feel like everything is me me me with me, I really don’t mean to, even on the day of my best friends daughter’s birth, I can’t even find it in me to be happy. Don’t get me wrong, I am so happy for her, words can’t even describe how much she deserves this, I mean happy in myself. She’s moving on, starting a family, it’s like a new chapter of her life, I can’t even get my shit together to get to work on time, it just makes me think about where I am going and what I am doing, sometimes I don’t see the point of me being here, and I really have to fight with myself, that there has to be some unknown reason that I don’t know yet, and I wait, and wait and wait.. And there is still no calling, there is still no destiny, just me being shitty old me. Two days ago I was the happiest person on earth, and this is how I’m feeling now, see I can’t even control my feelings. But today isn’t about me, today is about the birth of the cutest baby girl that is about to become my best friends world, so I wish her good luck, and I hope that she is the best mum that she can be.
Love and Kisses
THE POINT TO MY LIFE IS?
I am going to go insane if I have anymore time of work, I am so bloody bored. There is only so much you can do at home, especially when you are low on money. My life just seems to have gone downhill. I’m trying to keep my shit together, I’m trying to find a job, I’m trying to keep positive, but it’s all starting to get me down. I have had a job since I was 15; I have never been unemployed in my life, and now I’m bumming around at home, desperately applying for jobs, knowing that if I don’t, I’ll have no source of income next month, with bills to pay its starting to stress me out. Someone once said to me, don’t worry, and hold tight, it will get better. When? I’ve been waiting and waiting and things are only getting worse. Right now I literally see no point in my life, I feel like such a failure, and I just don’t know what to do next, how can I make good of this shit situation I seem to have found myself in?
Love and Kisses.
UNWANTED
There is something I have to get off my chest about my boyfriend. Our relationship seems to be so bipolar, everything is great, then boom it’s not, and then it is again, it’s a vicious cycle. I can be so happy at times, and I never want them moments to end, because in them moments, I am besotted by him, my heart races, and I feel like a 15 year old girl again, when you get your first crush. But then there are other times when I just want to run away, run away from it all. My main issue is that his young, he has never really experienced being single, he has a group of friends who are mostly single, who are always out too pull birds, not that there is anything wrong with that, they are single they can do what they want, but my boyfriend isn’t. I trust my boyfriend when his out, that is not the issue, as you can imagine a group of single boys are out every weekend, so seems to be my boyfriend, now that in itself is also not the issue, its taking me a while to get to my point here, but I’ll get there.
My boyfriend loves to drink, when he goes out he drinks excessively, and god knows what else. He is easily led, and it probably doesn’t help if you have a drug dealer in your circle of friends. I see what kind of states he gets into when he goes out, and it actually worries me. I ask him to text me to let me know he gets home safe and I hear nothing, followed by lame excuses of him being too drunk. Is it really that hard just to send a quick text saying that you are home? I sometimes feel like his friends always come first with me, when I see him at the weekend it will have to revolve around what he is doing with his mates, which I can deal with although sometimes annoying. But then I find, that the next day he never wants to do anything with me apart from hang out in bed because his too hungover, I mean I don’t ask for a lot, but I want for us to go out and do stuff together but he is always more interested in going out with his mates and getting pissed. I can’t remember the last time we went out just us too, is he embarrassed of me or something, because that’s how I feel sometimes.
There are times where I wish that he would pick me over them, because I always feel like a back-up plan. Why would he not choose to do something with me, or come home to me instead of going to after party, to after party? Am I really that bad? Is it really that bad hanging out with me? It makes me feel so unwanted, and underappreciated. And that’s what upsets me; I end up feeling so shit about myself, wondering if I’m the problem, feeling like him hanging out with me is more of a chore than a choice. I just wish that he could he understand that this is how I’m feeling, because I love him, I love him more than Chuck loved Blair, I’ve never felt this way about anyone and I want for nothing else than for our relationship to work and live happily ever after, but somethings got to give, because feeling unwanted is the worst feeling in the world.
Love and Kisses
BLOWING UP
Sometimes you just have to blow up and let everything off your chest to make everything okay again. People need to be told about themselves and the truth hurts, but the truth is better than a lie. The truth can set you free. Once all your cards are on the table, and you know exactly where you stand you can finally make a rational decision. It’s a hard place to be in. I hate not knowing. But now, the decision has been made. And now here we are, fighting for a love we both have. It’ll be okay, I know it will.
Love and Kisses
IT’S YOU
It’s like I forget about you for like ten minutes. Then bam, you’re in my mind again. My thoughts always return to you. It’s you I can’t stop thinking about. You. You..
KEEPING IT TOGETHER
Keeping it together when you feel as if your life is falling apart isn’t easy. I don’t know how people do it. Maybe it’s because I’m a really emotional person, maybe it’s because of my severe anxiety, but I just can’t keep my shit together. I deal with so much every day, and when an issue occurs on top of that, I just can’t cope. I can’t go to work; I can barely get out of bed. I wish I could deal with things like a normal person; I just get so affected by things it’s just not that simple. Oh I remember the days when I just had no feelings, never cried, never got scared, never got emotionally attached to anything or anyone, those were the days. What happened? I turned into a nervous other thinking mess. Right now I’m finding life so hard, and can’t see an end to the way I am currently feeling. But there is always a light at the end of the tunnel right? There has to be more to life than being stuck in what feels like an empty shell of my previous body. I just have to be strong and concentrate on getting better, concentrate on myself, and my own wellbeing.
Love and Kisses
SPARKLE AND SHINE 