Lucy 25/10/2015 always be with us
So it’s now been about two weeks since we broke up, I took full advantage of getting seriously drunk this weekend, I did get chatted up by so many guys, but am so not ready for that right now. My ex is the kind of person who doesn’t know how to be on his own, so he probably has a few girls lined up, good for him, I’ll just have to deal with that. When I’m ready, I’ll be ready. I received so many texts from him on Saturday night begging for me to come over but I didn’t, t would have been a stupid idea we would have both regretted in the morning. We have been texting and stuff, but since yesterday I decided it was time to stop, it’s only making it worse, and is fucking with my head. Now I just need to focus on me, and mending my broken heart. My anxiety is through the roof about him being with other girls and it is torturing me day and night, but I just need to accept that that is going to happen no matter how hard it is. it’s so hard to think about something else that isn’t him but I’m sure it won’t be like that forever. I just wish I was over him already, but got a long road to recovery..
So, I have recently broken up with my boyfriend and am pretty gutted about it. Lucky for me, it was an amicable break up, it just wasn’t working anymore, and was something that we both wanted. Part of me is trying to convince myself that it isn’t what I wanted now that it has happened, but before shit hit the fan I know in my heart of hearts that I didn’t want to be with him anymore. I thought I would take this opportunity to write about my voyage back to singledom, with maybe a helping hand or a bit of advice to anyone who is going through the same kind of thing.
The initial break up was really hard, it probably would have been so much easier if he had done something wrong and I hated him, but unfortunately it just didn’t end like that, I think it made it harder. It’s been almost a week now since we had the chat about our options, and at first I thought I wasn’t going to survive on my own without him, but yesterday reality hit me, I was fine before him, so I’ll be fine now. It’s going to horrible as I have spent the last two years always having someone by my side, but with time I guess I’ll learn to get by on my own. I’m all cried out and sitting around feeling sorry for myself hasn’t helped, but this was the right thing to do, for the sake of both of our happiness.
I kept his number in my phone and we spoke a few times from our break up on Sunday till Thursday, I had to collect my stuff and it was really difficult trying not to talk to him, because for the last two years we have spoken all day every day. but now I’ve picked up everything that is mine, I have deleted it, for my own sake, I have the urge to text him every half hour or so, but now with no number I can’t follow through no matter how much I want to.
The Meet: I was so anxious I had be anticipating this moment all week, the build-up almost sent me over the edge knowing I had to see him again for one last time (well we both share a God Child so, last time for now anyway) I hadn’t eaten or slept since Sunday as my anxiety for this one moment was through the roof, it was unbearable, I had been inconsolable all day, but on my way to meet him I fixed up, held my head high, and thought to myself ‘be strong, he already knows how broken you are, don’t make it worse, don’t let the last time you see a person you once loved be a weak moment in your life, so be sad it’s over, be happy it happened’ It was a weird thing to think, but It worked, I went in we had a cuddle, one last cuddle, he cried in my arms, I reassured him everything will be okay, and what we are feeling right now is only temporary, because really it is, it won’t last forever, there will be an end to it, and that’s the only thing that keeps me going. It made me sad to see how upset he was, but I knew how he felt I felt like that on the inside, even though I did not show it. We didn’t talk about the situation, just reassurance, then I picked up my shit, and left, and I guess that was that.
Even though I still feel pretty shit, I feel a bit better, I’ve had my closure, and now I need to move on in my life, I am free, he is free, we can both be happy once more. I will miss him, god I will miss him, but sometimes things aren’t meant to be, and this was just one of them, sometimes life falls apart so better things can fall into place.
Love and Kisses
For anybody who does not live in the UK I’d like to start by telling you it’s a glorious day of 32 degrees right now, and I will probably melt. But what I’m really here for today is just to let you all know, I will be having a bloggers break for a month or two. It’s going to be kind of sad as I love to write, but I really need to focus on my job right now, going to the gym, and keeping positive. It’ll be good as I can have some time to think of some new material. I just have so much going on at the minute that the creativity part of the brain has just shut down, and writing is making me stressed and more frustrated than anything.
I will be making lifestyle changes to rid me from negative energy and can put me on the path of happiness. I am sick to death of having to live in the captivity of my own mind. I just find it hard to motivate myself as one side of me really wants to change, but the other half is just fighting against it. I will always start something to better my life, and then just find excuses as to why I should stop doing it after a while. But this time I need to be as motivated as possible, because I will never be free unless I change myself. I’m not going to lie, I’ve become a bit of a slob, my room is a mess, I eat too much shit, I drink way too much, some mornings I don’t even bother to shower. Now I know this isn’t the whole blame to why I am down, but I definitely think these things contribute. I think I’ve just got lazy, and that is starting to spread across into the rest of my life. I’m starting to get lazy around friends, family, only thinking of myself. It needs to stop, and I want to make necessary arrangements with myself for targets and goals on why I believe can contribute into making my life a little happier
- Clean bedroom from top to bottom, not just putting junk in a pile somewhere else in the room, or just clean the main bits, I mean the whole god damn room
- Stop avoiding the gym, and go twice a week like I originally planned, I can’t just sit at home and moan about the way I look without doing anything about it
- Shower every day without fail, instead of that extra fifteen minutes sleep, I don’t really perspire so I don’t tend to smell, but even so, it has to be done
- Try some different foods once in a while, I can’t always eat the same thing every time I go out and not try anything ever, I will never get to travel the world and experience new things if I’m restricted in what I eat
- Stop being so bitchy, instead of having something bad to say about someone have something good to say instead
- Stop smoking cigarettes and weed, to save money and also I find weed makes me so unmotivated and I’m really sure it doesn’t help especially with the way I have been thinking and feeling
- Make more time to spend with my family instead of going out every night
- Paying back all the money owed out, because the stress of having debt on my back is stressing me no end, the quicker I pay it back the quicker I can start saving
- Once all money is paid back start saving, and save a lot, cant plan for the future on penny’s
- Get driving lessons done, first I will need money, but make this a priority, for my own independence I need a car, I need to be able to get about and do what I want
- Stop fabricating stories to make your life seem more interesting
- Start spending money more wisely and stop spending it on shit that I just don’t need, it’ll only be me who will suffer in the end
- Learn to cook proper meals, how am I ever going to move out if I don’t know how to cook
- Same goes for cleaning, I must learn how to use all the appliances in the house, and maybe even help with some household chores
- When at home don’t just watch TV from the minute I get in till the minute I go to bed, go for a jog, bake something, do anything really
- Meditate to be at peace with yourself, just to take a few moments in the day to reflect on it, instead of spending all day over analyzing every situation that has occurred
- To make sure I am in bed at a decent time Monday-Thursday, it’s hard enough getting up at 6:30am with a good night’s sleep let alone a bad one.
There are a billion and one other things I could add to this list, but these are the main focus at the beginning of my journey. When I have some inspiration I promise I’ll be back, and it will be bigger and better, but for now, laters.
Love and Kisses
I wish my boyfriend knew what a great person he his, and how lucky I am to have him for myself. I think sometimes people get so wrapped up in bad thinking that they forget how amazing they truly are, a couple of bad decisions can’t change that, the way you look can’t change that, I wish everyone wasn’t so bothered about what is on show on the outside, and that it’s all about what your insides show about you. Not in a gross ‘your guts are spilling all over the pavement’ inside, but who you actually are as a person. My boyfriend is so kind, funny and thoughtful, he makes me feel super special, and I can count on him to be there when I need him. He makes me so happy, its like when I am not with him my life is in black and white, but when we are together everything bursts into vibrant colours, and life is good again. We have a bit of a weird relationship, I’ll be the first to admit it, but I wouldn’t change him for the world. I have always assumed that I would be on my own forever, because I am a bit crazy, and I had a pretty precise criteria, and then he came along, and that all changed, I changed, I am only a mere shell of my former self, and sometimes I think it’s a bad thing, I have become weak, I have become too trusting, but other times I’m glad I’ve opened myself up to this side of me, because I feel like I can finally be happy with who I am, and it’s taken me forever to get to this point. I don’t have to pretend anymore, he accepts me for who I am, and I love him for that, but I love him even more for who he is, I am so proud and grateful to have him by my side.
Love and Kisses
Well the new season of Orange is the New Black was a massive let down. Season one was unreal, season two it started to go downhill and season three was at the bottom of a pit. It had no big story line, most of it was unimportant rabble. It didn’t build up to anything, I kind of just sat there waiting for something big to happen, only to be disappointed. Maybe the writers ran out of ideas, because it was a shabby season. I felt there was no sense of direction, no goal. I had built myself up waiting for it to return to Netflix, only to watch 13 uninteresting episodes of nothing. This season there was no ‘villain’ and that bored me. Don’t get me wrong there are funny parts to it, sarcy humour, and some emotional storylines but after two days of binge watching I’m left feeling like I’ve wasted 13 hours of my life, when I could have been doing something better, like sleeping. The only thing that brightened up the season was the (hot) new face Ruby Rose, who made it slightly bearable. Even so her a Pipers love fiasco seemed rushed, there was no time to build up sexual tension, it reminded me of when you’re about to orgasm and not as intense as expected and you know you could have done better, but couldn’t quite make it. Overall id give the season a 4/10. That’s me being generous.
Love and Kisses
So I’ve been sick and off work this week, I have not left my bed apart from going to the doctors. It is now Friday night and I’ve come to chill with some friends for a couple of hours, sick of being cooped up in my room. I really miss my bed. It’s just like we’ve been inseparable all week and now we are apart I really miss it. I miss all the time we spent together and those wonferful moments snuggled up watching Netflix for hours. I’m glad we got to spent the time together.
Love and Kisses.